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Subject: Men Fight Back
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was . . . Always.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and Suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
Subject: Man/Woman
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
STYLE
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
MONEY MANAGEMENT
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MEMORIES
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman
* Before marriage and after marriage.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS
Only two things are necessary to keep one' wife happy*
* One is to let her think she is having her own way.
* The other is to let her have it.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
MISTAKES
Any married man should forget his mistakes
* No use two people remembering the same thing.
THE BATTLE
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.